Stop the presses, and lock your fridges – fake mayonnaise is doing the rounds.
You might be thinking “but Jasper, how do you know this?” and the answer is, I have been a first hand victim.
After weeks… months even… of using my killer instinct and natural cunning to try to successfully hunt mayonnaise, it finally happened.
It was in my sight, the lid was off, but the humans noticed and quickly removed the sweet nectar.
But then, like manna from heaven, techie Lewis lifted the alleged mayonnaise spoon from his plate and put it before me.
I went to take a lick, excited by the taste of the treat in front of me, but oh what horror! Shock! Deceit!
It was disgusting! I am certain the humans are trying to give me fake mayonnaise to make me think I don’t like it.
I will clearly have to get smarter in hunting what I can’t have when the lid is off. I will of course keep you all updated on this story as it breaks.
Maybe the humans will allow me to have REAL mayonnaise on my 17th birthday this Sunday (November 1).
I’m also hoping for tuna, cake, ham, crisps, cream, yogurt and whatever else the humans are eating.
Parish of LBA 